Thankfully Missed Connections

Written by Sydney Tate Bradford

Graphics by Rino Fujimoto

Halfway through last year, I was eager to be involved in what I considered “the music scene” in Brooklyn — it seemed to be welcoming and thrilling and for a moment, I felt very present and engaged in it all. 

There was such newness in photographing live shows, in staying out later than I ever had, and becoming more familiar with my charm (while simultaneously recognizing nights it could hardly attempt to exist). I was showing up to places where I didn’t know a single soul, and over time, I made myself known — being able to float around the room in a way I never imagined (but was delighted for).

Things only shifted when someone whose behavior stood out to me as strange from the get-go escalated in August. This was someone who many people might mention and say “they have great connections” or “it would be really good for you to know them,” but I’m not sure I experienced any positive aspects of those empty and implied promises.

Social status and supposed power in artistic spaces can be quite tricky. I’ve noticed that no matter the city, certain people might be more concerned with how they appear than their genuine impact on others. I won’t say this is everyone, as I have deep respect for those who make their priorities clear in action, but I was struck by the immediacy this person aimed for, and it didn’t feel unfamiliar to previous opportunists I’ve met or been sought out by.

It seems a little counterintuitive, doesn’t it? In a world where digital connection is so intertwined with relevance, is it ultimately safe or uninformed to allow a fourth-dimensional space to influence key decisions on interpersonal relationships?

The wondering may go unanswered forever, but I’ve held it forefront. 

This unnamed person eyed me all night at a show and reached out on Instagram afterward — and again, I was seeking new connections but especially with those in my profession. Weird things I noticed early on were not exactly horrifying, but concerning, and maybe signs I wanted to keep a safe emotional distance. Those behaviors included extreme jealousy, overly self-deprecating (usually sandwiched in a compliment to me), and constantly noting how she would date me “if I let her.” 

I kept it to myself, hoping I’d be wrong or that it wouldn’t be much of an issue long-term if I stayed at arm's length. 

I would maybe say ‘love bombing adjacent’ in terms of the intensity that she approached an attempt at forming a so-called friendship, even though it was primarily online. They would constantly say “our paths are aligned” when we’d only met for coffee twice, and although I knew I was apprehensive, it didn’t feel harmful necessarily to be in a public environment and spend casual time with this person. 

I tried to extend my way of friendship at the beginning but realized that we were likely not suited. Perhaps the more unfortunate events (and the escalation I referenced) included this photographer kissing me in public without consent and exerting possessive behavior when I met someone I got on well with. They seemingly had an issue with me then and resorted to poor attempts at manipulation instead of communicating directly. I was already on the fence, but this knocked me far over. I officially decided that this was not someone I wanted to be close to in any way. 

When I voiced that it was not okay that they kissed me without consent, she said “I’m sorry if I was drunk.” This is a phrase all too familiar when it comes to sexual assault of any kind, and I will forever know that intent does not negate impact. I had hoped that being direct would eventually be helpful to this person or that my words would someday be heard, but I can’t say whether or not I believe it will or has happened. 

Her behavior online escalated into obsessive engagement with two people closest to me at the time, and it felt like an attempt to gain access to me after being blocked, or to make sure these people didn’t view her as “bad.” 

New York City has the potential to be full of people who prioritize image over everything. It is an opportunist galore at worst and a place to forever celebrate yourself at best. Upkeep of appearances is harmful at such an extreme... social media does not excuse stalkerish behavior, and surface-level connections should not hold more weight than caring about how someone is treated.

Although networking is a beneficial component of building my life here, in lieu of all this, I’ve been met with impatience in the process, in attitude, and an intersection between my realistic physical and mental capacities. It felt like most every person I’d been seeing around for those few months was in some way connected and (seemingly) supportive of the photographer mentioned — I was confused about priorities or if they were present at all. How could they not have noticed something was off if it was revealed to me so fluidly? Sometimes “it’s complicated,” and other times it’s simply easier to look the other way. 

It isn’t fair to assert the actions of one person to every person around them, but I do believe those we surround ourselves with are a reflection or an extension of ourselves. Those reflections and judgments on my part caused disdain and aversion to acting as if everything was normal, or wanting to be around most of these people at all. Despite it having the potential to isolate me from would-be-clients, I would rather move in earnest and dignity than to cast my values aside. 

As photographers, we are offering a valuable service to fellow artists and friends, sometimes free of charge or in barter. I would imagine there is a particular compulsion to stay “connected” when there’s supposed power on the line, whether imagined, perpetuated, or not.

I felt betrayed by the idea that I had made up in my head of what community looks like — I had put these strangers on pedestals thinking that intimate moments of the highest energy, of innermost thoughts, and drunken confessions meant anything at all. And I felt even stranger wondering where the people around me stood on the matter, because it turns out I didn’t know any of them at all. A false sense of belonging and a slow, steady spiral of what wasn’t.

With the core people in my life, I asked for their care and consideration with my desire for space from the photographer in question. A painful and prolonged conversation between a former friend and I included their deep commitment to this person's emotional well-being and growth — propositioned as more important than my own, used as an excuse for wrongdoing, and weaponized against my desire for distance. I am eternally one to acknowledge my shortcomings and tender areas of the heart, but I will never excuse those reasonings as justification for the mistreatment of others.

I will never take kindly to people who talk big about community values and do not uphold themselves to them. We are all on our own shit and we all have the agency to decide who fits in our lives intimately, but I was demonized for my handling of this situation (with the implication that it is harsh or wrong that I don’t want to share space with someone after scary behavior). To the person I considered a friend, all I can say is at least I know better now.

What is trust when attempting to craft your little sense of community in this life? 

I am grateful for the autonomy to be intentional with those I hold dear, and the power to choose who I share myself with at all — whether intimately or on the surface. Despite a persistent pain with the loss of what I hoped would be a greater friendship as collateral damage of this situation, I am held and supported by the people I trust. 

Harassment is never acceptable from anyone and social status cannot hold weight over harmful actions. This goes for any situation, but I am feeling especially intense about it as many people have shared their end-of-year-into-new-year reflections. This is but the tiniest piece of mine! 

I was quickly welcomed into a subset of the music scene here that excuses questionable behavior if the person whose done wrong holds any sort of social capital. If you take issue with mistreatment, certain people would rather you believe you’re the one causing problems by wanting to assert boundaries. I don’t agree with this ethos, but it is what I was shown by an unfortunate few. An even kinder bunch have reinforced the deep knowing of internal peace as priority.

I am extremely hopeful that I can find a better way to interact with people here, but also optimistic that there are others who feel similarly and do not enable harmful behavior in what they call “community spaces.” If anything, my commitment to myself has grown, and I’m a bit closer now than I was to that excitement to try again. 

I’ll be considering constantly how to exist online in a way that feels right, and I’m a heavy proponent of its power for good, but I’ll never allow it to take precedence over real-life impact.

I will find that newness again, despite the detour. I’ll keep photographing live shows, trying to stay out later than I ever have, and becoming again, hopefully, more familiar with my charm (while simultaneously recognizing nights it could hardly attempt to exist). I’ll show up to places where I know more about these people than I wish to, and over time, I’ll make myself known to the right ones.

If you are looking to know me in the new year or ever, I don’t fuck with abusers and abuse apologists, point blank.