Spring: The Season of Outgrowing Others
Written by Bela Romano
Graphics by Jade
Springtime is my favorite time of year for so many reasons. The air feels refreshing, birds start to sing again, and the surrounding scenery returns to life. Personally, springtime marks a moment in the year where I welcome change in whatever form it takes on. Spring is supposed to be a season of growth, and with that said, I’ve found myself outgrowing a lot at this time.
Recently in therapy, I discovered that one of my core values is connection, and this motivated me to reassess how I go about cultivating connections, friendships, and other types of relationships. Before I started this process, I decided to reflect on the current dynamics of my existing connections. Different types of relationships require slightly different approaches, but I think it’s easy to acknowledge that healthy relationships fundamentally rely on reciprocal effort. In theory, it should be apparent if there’s a mismatch between two people, but it can be more difficult to determine in practice.
As humans, we fear the loss of any relationship, and understandably so, as it often comes with feelings of grief, anger, and resentment. Often, we will make personal sacrifices to hold on to someone, that is, until we realize that we should go our separate ways for the better of one or both individuals. Occasionally (but hopefully not often), ending a friendship or relationship becomes necessary once it has turned toxic. In general, though not always, the coming and going of so many people in life can be disruptive to our own state of equilibrium, and it can be easy to lose sight of who actually brings us peace and harmony on a consistent basis. For too long, I’ve witnessed myself and others invest in connections that aren’t very fruitful from the beginning. While there is always work to be done in different kinds of relationships, I want to specifically focus on sowing the seeds of better friendships this season.
To grow my friendships, there are several vital considerations to be made. Choosing which seeds to sow, so to speak, largely depends on what I have in common with another person and whether we can effectively communicate with each other. For instance, does this person actively follow through with plans? Can I open up to this person without fear of instant judgment? Do they consider my feelings in matters? Friendships should be mutually beneficial, not solely by association but within our interactions as well. Just because I have an activity or two in common with someone else does not automatically mean we will be compatible as friends. If another person is genuinely interested in connecting with me, effort and interest should be reciprocated and demonstrated throughout our communications. Under ideal circumstances, we would learn a lot from each other and our appreciation for one another would greatly deepen over time. It’s not often that this happens, at least for me, but I’m immensely grateful for the special bonds I’ve created over the years.
I also like to remind myself of what one of my music professors in college told his class. He said, “Find someone who sees the little genius in you.” In other words, surround yourself with those who truly value and want to learn from your perspective. Likewise, surround yourself with those who inspire you to think outside of the box and push you outside of your comfort zone.
Although I’m currently focusing on the quality of my friendships, this does not imply that I will abandon other levels of connection. What I mean by this is that some relationships take higher priority than others, since it is virtually impossible to give my full energy towards every single one. As I continue to prioritize quality over quantity in my friendships, I prioritize those who demonstrate reciprocal effort, and often, we form a meaningful bond from there. In tandem, I recognize the importance of not overextending myself, since this has previously caused me to withdraw from several friendships. I’m also beginning to learn that some connections can still be maintained, even if I only have the time to catch up with someone on a monthly basis. Previously, I used to feel ashamed or guilty whenever I forgot to respond to someone for an extended period of time, but I now realize how unproductive it is to constantly fret over these smaller things. Most of our lives are hectic and consuming as it is, and I have found that most people are very understanding about things like this.
Even with all of this in mind, we should still be prepared to interact with people who simply don’t like us, for one reason or another. These reasons shouldn’t always be taken personally, but it can be helpful to receive and/or give clarification as to why someone doesn’t want to continue pursuing a friendship. Speaking from experience, I sometimes find myself disliking certain behaviors or parts of one’s character as I spend more time with them, even if we have multiple interests in common. Other times, both of us may discover that our communication styles are too different, and neither of us have the time nor energy to make an effort in solving our problems. Simply put, some relationships are not going to work out how we want them to, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that the substance of that bond becomes meaningless. In general, there is always a lot to be learned about communication styles and expectations each time we pursue a new connection with someone. If and when this comes to an end, then we can reflect on what happened to better inform us on how to produce more fruitful and sustainable bonds.
Although we are approaching the season of growth, I encourage others to consider what they have outgrown in the last year. For some, you may find the need to eliminate certain people in your life if they no longer provide you with the kind of companionship you once had. Additionally, I started thinking of my friendships as plants in a garden. In order to begin growing new ones, you should start pruning what is already present. As mentioned before, we can learn many valuable lessons from previous friendships and relationships, and these can be repurposed like compost to serve as substrate for future connections. The ultimate goal is that if you tend to your garden, then it will provide you with fruitful friendships in the years to come.