Self Talk and Our Self Esteem
Written by Asher Chambers
Graphics by Mahak Saxena
Our inner monologues are not something we usually pay much attention to. That little voice in your head that rambles on and narrates everything you do can seem insignificant at first glance, just a teeny tiny part of your brain - but despite how small a thing it is, it takes up a surprising amount of our day. We hear it when we wake up and when we go to bed, it never really shuts up.
We don’t get a break from it, and that means it can be exhausting when that little voice is exceedingly depressing. The way we talk to ourselves has a direct correlation to our mood and our self-esteem, so it makes sense that when your inner monologue is depressing your mood is lower, and so is your self-esteem. It's so easy to slip into, and a thousand times harder to pull yourself out of. For most of my life, I have done just that; I spoke to myself negatively, I made self-deprecating jokes, and I kept dark negative thoughts at the forefront of my mind through the constant repetition. It also required very little effort to keep myself in a bad place, because all I had to do was parrot the same few phrases.
Luckily though, the opposite is also true! When that voice is positive or neutral, our mood is more likely to be as well.
It sounds lovely, having a positive inner monologue that has a positive impact on your mood, but it's certainly easier said than done - especially if you believe what your inner monologue says. However, just because it's difficult, that doesn’t mean that it isn’t worth it.
I mentioned above that it was incredibly easy to slip into negative self-talk, and that it required very little effort to regurgitate what that voice tells you. I stand by this, but despite the ease of believing that voice, the negative self-talk affects more than just your head. We end up using all our energy on feeling low, on being ashamed and self-conscious instead of using it on our hobbies, our friends, and on living. Something that can seem so small, so internal, can end up creeping into all aspects of our lives.
Explaining all this without any kind of conclusion or solution would be pretty pointless - so how are we meant to use self-talk for a positive impact on our self-esteem, and our lives in general? Where do we even begin?
Catching the negative comments our inner voice says can be difficult when we are so used to hearing them. We get used to them, like if there was a bee or a fly constantly buzzing around your head. Eventually we would be able to drown it out, or it would become just part of day-to-day life - as easy to listen to as our own heartbeats. Before we could ever try to change our inner monologue to suit our needs, we have to notice when and how it’s causing us harm. We need to watch what we say to ourselves, and what we say about ourselves to others.
It is a huge step to jump from negative to positive self-talk. We become comfortable in our negative thoughts, because it’s better the devil you know than the devil you don’t, right? No one likes to be uncomfortable and no one likes having to argue with our own brains, and jumping so far can seem impossible - but people tend to forget there is a middle ground: neutrality.
You will not suddenly love yourself and your body overnight, so don’t set unreasonable expectations so quickly. You don’t need to adore yourself right now, or ever, so choose acknowledgment over affection.
Neutral self-talk can include phrases that are as simple as ‘I am okay’ or ‘My body is one part of me, not all’ and also affirmations that can be more personal. If you often feel like you let your friends down, saying ‘I am always trying to be a good friend’, with the focus on trying. All you need to do is try, and remind yourself that you are doing so. We can tailor our affirmations to our anxieties, or to directly combat and talk back to the phrases our inner monologues feed us.
Self-talk takes practice, just like any other skill. It’s almost impossible for you to suddenly believe what you’re telling yourself on the first day (or the second or the third and so on), and that is completely normal! Negative self-talk becomes a habit, and kicking it is hard. And so is creating a new one to replace it, so we need to keep practicing. Every time our inner monologues whisper a negative thought, we answer back with something neutral. When it tells us to give up, reply with ‘I can get through today.’ When it makes scathing remarks about our bodies, counter that with ‘My body gets me from place to place, it is doing its job.’ Keep up the habit and eventually it becomes second nature, like muscle memory.
A way to solidify these affirmations is to bring them outside of our heads. Negative self-talk seeps into the outside world too. We slip ‘I hate myself’ jokes into everyday conversations, we mutter things out loud like ‘stupid, I always do this’ to ourselves when we make a mistake. It spills out, so let neutral and positive affirmations pour out too. Write down neutral phrases in the notebook you use every day, stick post-it notes onto your mirror that remind you that your body is keeping you upright, talk to yourself out loud even if it feels embarrassing.
Bringing them outside your head can also help others! When we feel so low, it can be easy to spill our thoughts onto other people, completely unintentionally of course. Sometimes we don’t see how the things we say can make others uncomfortable in the moment, but changing those thoughts, and bringing out the new, neutral and/or positive thoughts can ease tension on both parts, as well as encourage those we are speaking to do the same. Hearing others speak positively about themselves can influence us positively too - because once again, repetition can reaffirm and normalize those new thoughts that may feel out of place at first.
Our inner monologues, talking to ourselves, is something we do all day, everyday. Isn’t it important to pay attention to something that takes up so much of our time? Listen carefully to what that voice is saying, pick up on those negative patterns and give yourself time to change them. It may just give you more control over your thoughts and your happiness in all aspects of your life.