love in a lost year
Written by Patrick Green
Graphics by Jade
love in a lost year weaves together piercing honesty, humour, and a painfully relatable reflection of living with depression and anxiety into an uplifting love story. ‘For a whole day, I didn’t think about killing myself once’ are the first string of words we read on paper and they land like a sharp punch to the gut; I’m not sure whether I spat my tea out with laughter or shock at this opener. However, this seamless marriage of humour and the melancholic (bordering on downright depressing) content carries throughout the novel, in a way that somehow captures the essence of a year in a pandemic. You can either laugh or cry; both are valid responses to such times of ridiculous chaos and trauma, instinct decides before we’ve even thought about it.
Chaos and trauma are all too present in the time of life which Josh explores in the novel. We are met with a young man who realizes ‘more than anything, [he] wanted to relive [his] student days’. A character who has been cut adrift in his life, struck by a feeling of apathy and aimlessness; an experience which often isn’t acknowledged. University is generally sold as something which will unlock doors, create support networks of friends, and let you put down roots. However, when this doesn’t go to plan we are suddenly off-kilter and can feel utterly alone in this. love in a lost year creates a space for a puncturingly honest evaluation of this common moment in people’s lives. Your early twenties seem to be a time in which you need bags of confidence, but have very little basis for having it. We find the protagonist, Connor, amid this isolated period in his life. His anxiety and depression have relegated much of his conversation with his family to shrugs, nods, and grunts; the bare bones of communication. Whilst the thought of any other kind of connection, in this case romantic, leaves his heart on the floor.
The struggles of depression and anxiety which can be related to by so many of us, no matter how big or small, are all amplified in a year of pandemic. A morning that is difficult to get up for on a normal day is only exacerbated when the world outside seems to be burning down. Yet, on this note, I was apprehensive about reading a tale that was set during a time I was still living through myself. It felt nearly premature to be setting a story during a period that had not yet passed. I found mentions of hand sanitizer, two metre distances, and whether to stay around somebody’s house all quite raw; these are things which I am still getting used to in my reality. Others could argue that it is extremely current, and all the more powerful for that. But you’ll forever find me (rightly or wrongly) pre or post-the-present.
This being said, it cannot be viewed solely as a story about a pandemic. It is an exploration and acknowledgment of how life has continued despite the pandemic and even among the added unnatural stress, grief, and hardships there have also been natural experiences of emotion and events, which have demonstrated how such difficulty can somehow let us cling to hope. Roll closing credits.
On a more personal note, this was one of the only books I have read which has made me laugh out loud. These may well have been uneasy laughs, owing to the close-to-the-bone nature of certain moments or lines such as ‘My plan was I didn’t have a plan’ which couldn’t help but remind me of my daily mantra. Connor is a character I simultaneously laughed at (in an endearing, not cruel way) but also found extremely challenging, as he stimulated much introspection and self-evaluation; a central ‘point’ to literature.
A really beautiful and fascinating topic which helped with this introspection was that of a stumbling, tentative, and messy (in other words, realistic) love. When you fall in love you can often have no idea what you’re doing, everything is subconscious and happens around/to you. Connor’s life, both in love and lockdown, is an example of passivity that becomes positive; instead of an obsession with productivity and proactivity, Connor finds love in complete spontaneity. When faced with the choice between partners he ends up choosing, who I thought was, the least expected of the two. This is a testament to going with your gut and following instinct rather than good sense, and the benefits this can reap. Which, in a world that is increasingly unpredictable, chaotic, and disordered there may be an opportunity to take some sort of lesson from Connor. His anxiety is experienced to a crippling degree, but once he manages to even begin to let go of things (admittedly, not an easy process by any means) this makes room for amazing opportunities; all of which could never have been planned.
Whether you are in a place in your life where you feel you need to be romantically involved or not (and whatever this may look like for you), I think everyone can relate to the feeling of falling for someone, irrespective of the positive or negative connotations which may come with this. This book gives scope, and even permission, to feel both. Our main character clearly wants to be in love but also finds it extremely difficult and gut-wrenching; so whichever you identify with or recognise, you can find yourself in Connor and this novel.
Josh brings us into a completely unfiltered and uncensored space; a fly on the wall, behind the scenes, look at life. Wanks, desperate stares at the ceiling, overthinking n’all. At a time of extreme filter and image, this is timely and refreshing. It is an honest look at people and their relationships, without glamour or over poeticising; the raw emotion and experience speak for themselves throughout the book. I think the ending is particularly poignant to this end; Connor and his dad sharing a steak and some beers, his dad grinning at the simple and quality time spent with his son. This is monumental in the trajectory of the story: one which puts a stop to the enjoyment of everyday things, but imperceptibly rediscovers it by the end. It places small towns, small stakes, and those who feel small amidst their struggles at the centre stage.
If you liked the sound of the novel, get yourself a copy here: https://www.josholdridge.com/