The Hermit: On the Outside Looking In
Written by Alexandra Kim
Graphics by Sophie Taylor
Home: the places, people, principles which provide one with a sense of safety, somewhere in which one can feel safe in unmasking in every behavior and action they take and fully letting loose in the name of authenticity. Some find that relief in their friends, others seek it out in their families. I, on the other hand, feel most at home in my own solitude, in this little mode I call “Hermit Mode.”
When Pamela Colman Smith, first brought the Hermit to life, they had three key artifacts with them: the cloak, the staff, and the lantern. With the cloak, the Hermit is able to move through the motions of life whilst maintaining a low profile. The cloak abodes a sense of serenity which only quiet isolation can bring about. The cloak hides the child from the scary monsters in their bedroom. The cloak cuts through wind and rain, invoking a comforting warmth which comes with the cloak’s anonymity. Most importantly, the cloak reminds us the beauty of introspection. There is beauty in processing one’s feelings, values, and beliefs in more introverted ways. There is beauty to the quieter epiphanies granted during times of self-reflection. So, why would you possibly want to leave this comfort behind, even for just the day?
Contrary to popular belief, the Hermits of this land still take interest in making their mark on the universe, and that comes with stepping out into it. Success stories continue to be fleshed out, people continue to love and bond, and I am stuck with the guilt of being behind from the rest of the world. As comforting as my cloak can be, it can be so damn isolating sometimes. Life goes on whether or not I choose to partake in it, and the Earth continues to spin round whether I interact with it or not. The world may be scary, but the idea of being left out of its legacy seems scarier, which is where the staff comes in to play. The staff acts as a guide, crunching down on all grounds, smooth or rough. The search for safety outside is not an easy one, and if I were to be completely honest, one sign of hurt will send me back inside. One sign of hurt will take me back to the loneliness which tends to these wounds everytime. Whether this is a healthy way to navigate things or not is debatable, but until I learn to healthily protect myself, it is either that or continue subjecting myself to the hurt. If only it were this easy….
“Don’t retreat.” This phrase haunts my mind as I string myself out trying to understand what went wrong. If anything was actually wrong? The friends I missed out on these last few years are here now. The community I shut myself out from for so long welcomed me in and have not kicked me out yet. I’ve come to learn that the warmth of a communal embrace is quite different from the warmth of my cloak, my cozy blanket of solitude. One will not replace the other. I am not meant to replace or suppress my need for self-space with friends or lovers. I am not meant to suppress my desire for peace with parties and socials. I am meant to find balance and welcome both of these needs into my life.
With my lantern in hand, I seek out this balance, for all I ever wanted was to shine a light on this world. All I ever wanted was to be of good, and sometimes, it is hard to see whether this good will come forth with me present or me absent. Boundaries are not avoidance, boundaries are foundational tools to eternal healing. However, as one who so easily falls for avoidant tendencies, I must learn to pick and choose my battles instead of cowering from every single one. At the end of the day, I never lose hope that the right people are out there. At the end of the day, I say my thanks to those currently in my life as well as to the lessons by those I have had to release. So as I retreat back into the comforting abodes of my own solitude, I do so with the intention of making myself visible once again. However, my visibility will no longer come at the cost of my peace, nor will it come at the cost of the very safety I search for in my home.