Returning Home, Where My Heart Lies

Written by Alexandra Kim

Graphics by Mahak Saxena

[TW // family conflict/argument, hostile home environment, mention of panic disorder and panic attacks]

Dear Alexandra,

The year is 2021 as I am writing this letter. I am sat here in the very same bedroom that housed all the precious moments of your adolescence. After living in my apartment for a full year, returning to my roots has become quite a sentimental experience. Some may use the phrase, “home sweet home,” and I would agree that there were many sweet moments here and there. However, it would be a lie to say that this room stored only pleasant stories.

This message is technically meant for one person, but to write this for a single recipient would dismiss the tremendous growth they’ve experienced during this lifetime. Below are three messages. As you read through these messages, you will see how the light in this person’s eyes slowly but surely dim. 

To the quiet little child with the million-dollar smile,

There are only a couple of photos of you left, but your smile lights up every single one. A very soft yet genuine giggle that could soften even the coldest of hearts, there is a light from within you that many wish to possess. Unfortunately, you will come to find out just how difficult it is to maintain this childlike glow known as innocence. What lies ahead of you may teach you the workings of this world, and although it will be scary, you will evolve throughout your time on this Earth. That innocence you hold is not meant to be preserved fully, but one thing that should be cherished and protected is your burning desire for knowledge and learning.

Somewhere in the depths of your closet lies a picture atlas. Countless hours spent memorizing a plethora of countries and their capital cities, studying the shape of each nation’s land, and exploring the world from the means of your bed. Even at the young age of seven, you took pride in your impeccable memory and knowledge, and if it makes you feel any better, some random bits of that knowledge have stuck with me to this very day. Remember how much fun you had playing with that picture atlas? Remember how getting better at memorizing the capital cities was enjoyable? This fun is something you will have to hold on to very tightly. The person writing you this letter has lost the fun in learning to pressure and perfectionism countless times and looks to you and that picture atlas when they need a little reminder:

The entertainment in learning derives from being open to all aspects of the process. There are no negative parts to this journey, not even when you fall.

To the restless perfectionist,

See those skates you just bought? Do not give up on those. Trust me, you may be frustrated with them right now, but practice makes progress, doesn’t it? You do not have to succeed in everything upon the first encounter. It is okay to fail from time to time because those moments will allow you to develop and grow as a person. This unhealthy obsession with perfection will only stunt you in the future and leave you feeling unfulfilled and lost in your adulthood. However, it’s not like this restless energy you possess cropped out of thin air especially given how eager to learn you once were.

This year has been tough on you, has it not? Does it scare you when your family members start to yell? It scared me too. Years later, any loud noise still triggers my fight or flight. You’ve been in this bedroom more often than ever before. I’m glad that you were able to find a safe space within your bedroom, but I know why you hid in there for so long. Being dragged into a situation solely via relations can drain even the purest of souls. Stepping into a shared space feels like entering a warzone, of course, you barricaded yourself in that room. You know that they are all hurting. You know that they all confide in you and cherish you. You know that you love them. However, please know your place.

You cannot be forced to mediate. You are only thirteen.

To the one that is burning out,

Top student, assistant director, leader of every extracurricular club you are in; You have accomplished so much at such a young age, and you deserve to bask in every bit of success you get from this. However, be careful not to dwell on your shortcomings and let them define you as one may do with their achievements. You are slowly but surely learning to use your failures as stepping stones towards a stronger you, a perspective that was once a major struggle. For the most part, you have done a wonderful job in adopting this new habit. But when it comes to your many achievements, you still have that burning fear of messing up. One misstep in your studies or activities, and suddenly, you completely spiral in a directionless and chaotic search for control. These brutal panic attacks that start with a palpitating heart and sweaty palms quickly transition into the inability to breathe or comprehend reality and eventually end with you asleep in your parent’s bed. Every night, this would happen. Every night, that safe space of a bedroom became more and more of a black hole for all of your darkest episodes.

Remember that lamp you got in the second grade? I still have it, and it is still next to me as I write this. You used it every night, finding safety in that small glimpse of light. However, that light would eventually dim out more and more until it completely stopped shining. After being active and used for so long, it finally burnt out. Allow yourself to recharge every once in a while, or else you, too, may completely burn out sooner or later. Do not allow your gains to become the catalyst of your rapid decline. It is okay to desire growth beyond your preexisting achievements, but remember the enjoyment of learning and the light it has shone onto your childhood. The concept of fulfillment goes beyond the material. What good is surface-level fulfillment if your heart and soul are completely deprived?

You are only able to harness true power if you rest.

Fast forward to the present day, and I have a very bittersweet view of how things have been. On one hand, those years of my life hurt. They still hurt and have scarred me quite deeply. On the other hand, however, the lessons taught during those times heavily shaped the person curating the final letter. As of the day I write this, I am eighteen years old and looking forward to my nineteenth birthday in under two months. Out of the three people I wrote to today, none of you guys would have expected me to make it this far. Here I am, nonetheless. Here we are. Have we found complete peace and serenity? Not quite, but with the direction we’re currently going in, it looks like those hopes will be fulfilled soon enough.

From me to you, we’ve come so far, and it only takes a moment to remember.

Your’s truly,

Alexandra, 2021

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The Comfortable Uncomfortability of The Edge of Seventeen

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Practicing Self Care in a Modern World