My Friends Taught Me How to Love
Written by Sydney Tate
Graphics by Lily Hobl
I’m sat on the couch in my first New York City apartment with tears in my eyes for how much I love you. You, being each and every stronghearted soul of the people I call love.
I wouldn’t be in this place without you — taking these chances on myself, growing bigger in compassion and steady in confidence more and more each day. It is the intentionality with which I love you that has made me so capable to do the same when seeking the height of romance with someone else (eros and ludis to be exact).
The undying understanding of ourselves as individuals — and the utmost, absolute desire to see each other thrive and to feel secure in what we share. I am always right here, you are always wherever, and we are always holding great care for one another.
It’s so romantic that I’ve struggled to find a new way to categorize “romantic relationships” (because no friendship should be devoid of such). Caroline is the one who suggested I use the Greek words for love as examples.
We are building our little networks of true commitment — garnered by respect, adventure, and values forefront. We are all so spread apart, but I know we have so much in common. I am proud each day of the practice in healthy and true relationships with the ones I call home. And I do mean it when I say I wouldn’t be here without you. These accomplishments are me, it really is my body out there, but it’s all of our brains, hearts, and souls at play. We channel through each other flawlessly.
I have always held to the belief that we can build our families as we please. Things are a bit different now, and I won’t get too detailed in terms of my innermost thoughts on the current trajectory of my blood-family relationships. However, in my adolescent years, it felt necessary to my mental and emotional survival to build deep relationships with friends that, at the heart of it, were sometimes more cherished than the family I was born into.
Those past experiences with my parents almost feel like a fever dream — I’m mildly confused by the horror of it all, and I’ll likely continue grasping at the injustice and the current complexities for years beyond now. These present experiences with the people I admire are restorative. It’s the sort of support we each deserve, wholeheartedly, and I am honored to be exploring the depths of love with you.
In recent weeks, I’ve heard a few mentions of relations that are dependent upon availability — meaning, if I don’t hear from you every second of every day then that must mean the way we previously knew our relationship to stand is entirely invalid.
Insecurities are a bitch and I won’t act like we don’t each deal with them in our own capacity. I believe you can have them, hold them, and face them earnestly with honesty, transparency, and all the like. In a lot of ways, I’ve found that I learn the most through practice in interpersonal relationships. When I recognize where that feeling might be coming from I reason with myself as best I can and move accordingly.
This past Winter, I disappeared quite a bit from the people I love most. Maybe I was having a few conversations, but I didn’t feel in any way capable of sustaining something meaningful. There were myriad reasons for this, but when I was ready and feeling more available, my friends were there when they could be — ultimately willing. Although it wasn’t something fully communicable on my end, the loving embrace of interdependence is essentially what helped me further through this period.
It is also quite different to manage the ebbs and flows of daily life and growth as it is reflected in our relationships as opposed to exiting the premises and barging back in as you please. There are times when communication is hard, and I do believe the people who love us can be understanding of this so long as it does not disrespect them directly.
Security is something imagined. Trust isn’t entirely possible (or at least I’ve heard someone say this before), and near every interconnection is something cosmic. We are crafting our realities day by day and attempting to meet between them — and I’ve never felt so excited about being alive than when I am reconnecting with these people.
Malon, Milo, Dionna, Katarina, Han, Sammar, Sarahphina, Caroline, Madison, Hanna, I am so grateful to share this life with you. You mean an awful lot and I am full of love. I am being brave (thanks to you).
The idea of a healthy relationship was not exactly modeled to me. I’d been shown every extremity possible and was drawn to all-or-nothing for a time. Yet with you all, it’s felt so familiar. I am secure in what we share, and I am bringing these attitudes with me wherever I go.
In this (in some ways) new eros and ludic-ridden exploit I’m embarking on, I feel more equipped than ever to self-soothe if my hesitations attempt to take over my innermost knowings. We may be apart physically, but this care will never perish, and I trust us each to communicate where needed. Regardless, I am here.
(a big thank you to my friends for teaching me how to love)