Meeting Ourselves in Isolation

Written by Alexandra Kim

Graphics by Katie Bewley

With my first year in college coming up and an on-campus job awaiting, it was time that I leave my hometown and begin this new life as an adult. It was time for me to grow up. However, given the circumstances of the pandemic, there was no opportunity to meet with my peers one last time. The year was 2020, and I was spending the final month in my hometown quarantined from the world. However, I learned to combat this isolation by experimenting. 

From picking up a brand new guitar and learning my very first acoustic song to putting on the inline skates I bought in the eighth grade, everything I put time into served one purpose: to develop who I am and discover what makes me me. One aspect of myself that I experimented with a lot was in my music taste, and I did this by creating extremely specific music playlists. In this search for new music, I discovered Dua Saleh, a non-binary musician, and poet that had me hooked with a single line from a poem.

“People who blink more than twice when explaining their identity to their loved ones often lead lonely lives.”

That night, my mind could only focus on two words: “they” and “them.” 

Now, I always had a fairly open-minded view on gender identity and was already at a point where I did not fully view myself as a girl. Was I necessarily aversive towards the terms “she” or “her?” Not quite, but even before discovering this poem, I had a preference for gender-neutral terms over feminine terms. So why is my mind suddenly so stuck on this specific set of pronouns? Why did I so easily brush off my own gender neutrality? 

Maybe, I am the person who blinks more than twice when explaining their identity. Maybe, I could change that because I did not want to be that person anymore. In my solitary time, all I wanted was to develop a version of myself that I not only understood -- but loved and embraced. As I laid on the floor of my dimly lit bedroom, just me and whatever thoughts ran rampant in my head, I built up the courage to say it out loud once and for all. 

“My name is Alex Kim, and I am non-binary.”

From that moment on, I could confidently say that I was at peace with my identity. Little did I know that I would not stop exploring my gender identity at “they/them.” 

When I discovered the world of neopronouns, I went into it wanting to educate myself and support any peers that may use these pronouns (because I felt so sure of my current pronouns that I did not see myself needing to add neopronouns to the set). However, this education session slowly turned into a new chapter of self-discovery when I stumbled across the pronouns “ae/aer.” These were the first set of neopronouns that seemed to fit my personal stance on gender identity. These were the first set of neopronouns that truly felt like mine.

The last 30 days passed at an extremely fast pace, and I was then on my way to San Diego with a newfound understanding of not just my own gender, but gender identity as a concept or construct. Walking into college with a stronger grasp of who I am beyond the binary allowed me to successfully establish a name for myself in this new city, but I cannot help but wonder why I experienced such a drastic change in my identity and my overall view of self. Although I was extremely thankful to have gone through this and held no grudges or regrets over those times, I still had many curiosities about how it all came about. What brought me comfort was finding out that I was not alone in this confusingly therapeutic arrival of identity.

“What sexuality/pronouns were you before covid and what are [you] now?” (@bunnyhalos)

15,000 likes, 10,000 quote tweet responses, and over 7,000 replies that all seemed to reflect the same drastic changes in identity that I faced months back. This tweet was proof that thousands of people, young and old, unlocked and embraced a newer yet truer version of themselves during quarantine. After seeing such numbers, it finally clicked in my head that the majority of the world also quarantined. It was safe to say that I was not alone in isolation. 

In literal and physical terms, I would say that I was almost completely alone. The quarantine protocols rightfully limited my social circle, but it also limited the social circles for the rest of the world. In terms of experience, however, I was accompanied by a much larger circle of people than I would have ever thought possible.

When it comes to someone’s sexuality or gender, many people feel forced to quickly slap on a label that only describes some or half of their identity. This pressure is especially applicable and damaging to those in the middle of questioning because their time of self-discovery begins to feel like a grueling task with a finite time limit. 

I am one to believe that self-discovery should be a very sacred and continuous aspect of life, and this increased time with oneself and increased distance from others encouraged a slower yet more in-depth look at who we are without an overwhelming need to rush. Whether that stress is time-related or socially-related, there is a decreased amount of obligation to assimilate immediately.

Once again, I would like to stress the fact that my time in quarantine was put into building a more authentic version of myself. However, I would like to stress the fact that everybody else in the world had the time to do the same, and many took the opportunity to do so. 

While I was finalizing my very first music playlist, someone across the globe could have been revisiting their favorite childhood book series. While I was researching my new favorite artists and learning about the chapters of their lives, someone across the globe could have been researching their favorite queer fictional character and their personal struggles. 

With an abundant amount of alone time to truly immerse ourselves in what brings joy to our innermost self, we are given more opportunities to finally meet our truest selves.

Works Cited:

Nelly (@bunnyhalos). “what sexuality/pronouns were you before covid and what are u now ? :0 /genquestion (only if ur comfy ofc)” 4 March 2021, 3:45 p.m. Tweet.

https://twitter.com/bunnyhalos/status/1367577071971487744?s=20